another sucky night of sleeping. it was hot and humid. way to kick the crap out of the first day of fall, summer. your last day was yesterday so it should have been hot yesterday, not today, stop trying to steal fall's thunder. no one likes a thunder stealer.
i'm yelling at summer, this is when you know i'm past a point of coherence due to a complete and total lack of sleep.
in other news, i feel weird lately. i have never, in my entire life, been a 'go with the flow' kind of person. it's just impossible, despite how much i try, i always need to know where my life is going, i don't like stepping into things blindly, it freaks me out. so therefore, when there are moments of confusion in my life and i'm not quite sure which direction it's going to head in, and when one of the possible directions has potential to suck royally, i become very fearful because i don't know which direction it's going to go and i certainly don't want it to be the sucky one.
but -- what if you always knew what direction your life was going in? but you found out it was the sucky one? would you live every day hating life because in the end you knew that it would be terrible so you just sit back and say 'what's the point,' throw in the towel, and give up. because if so, then there really is no life worth living and no reason to even exist on this planet at all.
however, if you don't know which direction your life is headed in, (i am way too used to auto correct on the iphone, i expect my macbook to do it too now and backspacing frustrates me, ha) then aren't you more likely to live each day to the fullest because you never know if the next day is going to be another good one or if the next day is going to be horrible, and if the next day, or the rest of your life for that matter, turns out to be horrible, you'll regret not being happy for as long as possible before the negativity took over. and if the rest of your life is great, well you're just one lucky asshole then aren't you.
all of this aside however, i still am constantly nervous about which way my current life is headed. i just always worry that i'm going to end up getting hurt again like i seem to do every time. i don't think i really used to be this way. it's amazing how certain events in your life can really take their toll on you to the point that your past begins to royally affect your present, and as much as it bothers and upsets you, it might bother and frustrate the people in your present life even more to the point that they say 'eff this, its not worth it' and walk away, and then you're back to square one, which you expected, except for the fact that it's by no ones fault but your own that it happened, you brought it upon yourself from constantly thinking negatively and not being happy with what you have.
why can't a person just be happy with no strings attached and just live life to the fullest and enjoy the people that life has currently presented him or her with. why is it so difficult to just go with the flow and not worry about the way things turn out and just say "ok let's rock and roll"
oh hey - cue midtown:
"cause the times they are a changing, and who can predict what's next? hey, you lost control, even though you might have thought you had it all, and hey it's just rock and roll"
that's a really good song, i tried learning it on guitar once, the lead part is really cool but always sounds weird when i play it, maybe i'll try practicing it again, i miss playing my guitar all the time, i wish i could actually write music, because that would be amazing, it would be a much clearer window to my soul than my live journal is. it's amazing, some people write music, some write poetry, some write stores, some paint, some draw, and then there's me, with a live journal, spilling my guts for whoever to see, although no one ever does. and i always talk about how i'm "not a journal person" but i think that's mainly because i don't have the patience or self-discipline to always update, but in actuality, i like spilling out my emotions in crazy convoluted philosophical thoughts. maybe you know what they're talking about, maybe you know if and when they're talking about you, they're almost always talking about someone.
wow this entry is getting long, maybe i'll end it here and go shower.
so in a nutshell, my life has potential to be really good, and i really want it to be, but because of past experiences i'm really afraid it's going to fuck up and leave me really hurt, and as much as i try to control myself from thinking that way and just thinking positively and hoping for the best, it's difficult, and i worry even more that my negative thoughts are going to be my downfall and my reason for life fucking up, which is why, aside from here, i've been keeping them to myself, because here, no one will read them but i'm still able to get them out of my system, but if i talk to whoever about it, it just might weird them out and scare them away because who wants to deal with a basketcase? i'm going to try much harder to not be a basketcase, and just be really happy.
going away this weekend with kelly, it's really going to show me a lot about my life in more ways than one, it's definitely a much needed escape and a judgement of how things are when i return may work to solve a lot of these issues and emotions i've been dealing with these past few days.
last point before i go, these lines had come to me a few months ago, back when my summer was a mess, and despite the fact that my life currently ISN'T a mess, they came back to me yesterday, i had forgotten all about them but i want to write them down now so i don't forget again:
once upon a time there was a girl with a smile on her face
now she's left with a hole in her heart, and she feels like a disgrace
until next time,
--jax
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angry
contemplative
meh